Why I'm Reclaiming My Asian Racial Identity in Trump's America

This article was originally posted here on Weave News, an independent media organization dedicated to investigating underreported stories, highlighting alternative perspectives, and promoting grassroots media-making and critical media literacy. Please consider making a monetary gift to sustain this global community of citizen journalists. To learn more, visit WeaveNews.org.

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Why I'm Reclaiming My Asian Racial Identity in Trump's America

In the past week, people who identify as Women, Muslims, Disabled, LGBTQ+, Immigrants, Black, Asian, Latinx, and anyone else in between have faced a startling rise in hate threats, visual statements, and actual assault. Insanul Ahmed, a Brooklyn-based music editor, collected an ongoing Twitter list of racist accounts towards people of color in the first day following the election. The Southern Poverty Law Center launched a #ReportHate portal for citizens and witnesses to submit incidences of hateful harassment and intimidation. As of November 11, over 200 incidences were directly reported. That number is bound to rise. Not that these threats didn’t exist before, but the reactionary nature and hyper-visibility of these recent incidents are directly tied to the election of Trump.

Image source: http://nextshark.com/asian-americans-now-targeted-harassment-donald-trumps-victory/

I feel generally secure living in Massachusetts, the only state other than Hawaii in which every county voted Democrat. It’s a predominantly white, liberal, and progressive community. Yet as an Asian woman, I have remain on guard. As a transracial adoptee, I didn’t always consider race at the forefront of my identity.

My premise for writing this blog series, Adopted Identities, was that transracial adoptees--generally children of color raised in white families--are caught in between races, and thus, caught in between worlds. Being raised in a predominantly white family and community. Being socialized with the norms of white privilege. You know how to operate in a white world… but you’re still not white. Your non-white physical features will never allow you to be white. You don’t relate socially and culturally with the race society defines you as. You don’t even feel comfortable taking the role of “token [race] friend” because you feel similar to the white people around you, but you have to accept it.

As a transracial Asian adoptee, I don’t fear and experience the constant threat of prejudice and discrimination because I live in the halo of whiteness. From how I was raised, to where I went to school, to my current location--generally speaking, 90% of my interactions are with white people. It is a level of comfort I was socialized into. I was the only Asian person, the only Chinese, I knew in rural, western New York. I didn’t know what being “fresh off the boat” was, or harbor any intergenerational guilt to follow a cultural set of values and language, as many first- and second-generation children of Asian immigrants experience.

For many years, I accepted this racial blindness just like the rest of my social circle. I was just another white friend who looked Chinese. I was unwilling to check the “Asian/Asian Americans” demographics box. Being hesitatant to engage with Asian activists because I don’t feel “Asian enough.” I was called a “chink” once to my face in high school. Racist encounters, to my relief, seemed rare and localized. Until now. In the United States, you cannot be blind to your race. In Trump’s America, your safety and security may depend on it.

You don’t see me the way I see me, and this makes me a target. If you just saw me on the street, you would likely assume I’m “another” Chinese person. Maybe I work at one of the local Asian restaurants. Maybe I’m an exchange student learning about American culture. Maybe I know that Vietnamese woman you talk to once at a bar because, oh, that’s in Asia right (this has happened to me)? And maybe, you hate me because I’m stealing your jobs and your livelihood.

In Trump’s America, I can no longer be racially colorblind--nor allow others to regard me that way. I’m claiming my Asian identity. With this, I will use my in-between privilege of identity to influence white communities. People that know me may hardly consider that I’m Asian due to that white halo, and I will use that avenue to start conversations. I will not claim experiences that aren’t mine, but I will amplify those that may not reach white eyes and ears otherwise. We need to protect and denounce hate towards the most vulnerable now, more than ever.

My ask to you: please do not tell me what to feel about Trump’s America. Do not tell me, or anyone whose identity intersects with one of the above, that it’s going to be okay. Do not tell me Trump’s hate speech was “just talk” for the election. Tuesday, November 8 the United States of America chose its leader of whiteness, sexism, misogyny, racism, ableism, and bigotry: Donald Trump. Do not shrug this statement off as hyperbole.  He has stoked the 240 year-old flame of institutional oppression. He has encouraged and emboldened intimidation and violence towards people who may not be able to protect themselves.

In Trump’s America, this may be the greatest threat that I and other adoptees face: you don’t see me the way I see me. But I will use this as a strength. When I talk about fear, it’s real. My halo of whiteness won’t protect me from those who don’t know me. I need your support, as do millions of others. So my most important ask to you is: please listen, and don’t dismiss me as just another white friend.

Another day, another blog (!)

I know, I need to blog more. I was such a great blogger when I lived on the other side of the world from everyone and relegated my communication to 2-3 minimal platforms (spontaneous phone calls aside). One thing that's irked me about Loquaciousness is my lack of focus beyond saving. As in, my writing goes in so many directions, that it's difficult to present in any professional format because I'm never consistently posting about something... except myself. Which arguably has its merits, but for now, I think my publishing aspirations are at a rest.

However, the journalism ones are not! The St. Lawrence Global Studies department has a hugely talented staff, one of whom I reached out to a few months ago about the news blog called The Weave. The site is citizen journalism dedicated to reporting stories that are underrepresented in the media. I've been itching to re-engage my scholarly ambitions for research and writing, so I reached out to Dr. Collins, bounced some ideas, slowly pulled together a proposal, and finally launched my page! In my blog space called Adopted Identities, I am examining Transnational and Transracial Adoptions in the United States as a cultural practice.

Now that I am announcing my explicit intentions to research and post to this blog on a hopefully bi-monthly basis... well, I have to! This is going to take some serious self-structuring, but I owe it to you all. Here is the first post, and I really encourage you to comment as a process of collaboration and encouragement for my future writings. Cheers!

Currently: Sick, in bed. Makes for a committed position to writing.

Massachusetts Overture

I'm having a hard time catching up on my blog because there's too many great things happening. So much has happened between VISTA pre-service orientation in Cambridge (north of Boston) and now, just having finished my first full month at Central Berkshire Habitat for Humanity! Needless to say, I'm finally settled in and love exploring the Berkshires. I'm still trying to adjust to the proximity and convenience of everything; ten minutes in any direction and I can grocery shop, go to the mall, chill out to jazz at a tapas bar, dig into wings at a cozy tavern, swim and kayak in two lakes, attend a stage production, pour through museum works, walk through state forests and parks, or hike some of the state's highest peaks. For a small city on the rise from a post-industrial recession, Pittsfield is treating me well.

AmeriCorps VISTA training was at the Hyatt in Cambridge. This was my view of the Charles across to Fenway and downtown Boston. Between long sessions on capacity-building and eliminating poverty in the U.S., we were spoiled with classy rooms and scrumptious meals.

Although training was only three days, I met an inspiring batch of VISTAs who are serving throughout the northeast. Our focus areas include neighborhood revitalization like my own, housing, military and veteran families, education, and sustainable lifestyles. My ultimate takeaway was that even though poverty poses a tremendous challenge, every gesture can make a difference. How we help one another at the human level is just as important as more abstract action at the policy level.

Onota Lake, five minutes from my Pittsfield apartment.

My first assignment with Habitat? Selling charity raffle tickets at the local baseball park on a glorious summer evening that had one of the best turn-outs of the season (and fireworks).

Office views.
I love this paperweight that a family friend gifted.

My housemate, Elsa, is also an AmeriCorps VISTA at Central Berkshire Habitat. Her focus is on family services, whereas mine is on volunteer engagement. I've had a blast living with her so far. We make it a point to simply do things after work, like stroll around the woods, visit our friends, cook 'fancy' dinners, and revel in our selective frugality. It's not too bad!  

Another fantastic point of Pittsfield is that my former St. Lawrence Habi housemate, Luke, also lives here and works with me! I may have explained this already, but he's the primary reason I ever considered my VISTA position. It's pretty awesome to work with him.He and his girlfriend Emma (who I was also friends with at college) live on another small lake called Pontoosuc. This is the dreamy view from their dock across the lake and off to Mount Greylock in the north. It's the highest point in Massachusetts, but I still haven't hiked it.

As seen on one of my bi-weekly drives south to Great Barrington for ultimate frisbee pick-up games.

Hard to resist an afternoon roll with views like this (far side of Pontoosuc).

A pine-filled park along Pontoosuc where I brought my parents two weekends ago. It was muggy that week, but the weather is finally sinking into sweater season.

Labor Day weekend was celebrated with more lazy lake time and a hike up Monument Mountain, just south of Stockbridge. A quickie but with interesting trails, good company, and wonderful views.

A historical home at an arboretum in Pittsfield.

Pitt Park, which wraps around our office. Things are significantly quieter now that summer camp is over and kid's are in school.

Elsa and her dad strolling through a nice fountain park that is unfortunately placed in a very busy portion of downtown.

I hope these images grant some sort of vision of my time here so far. If you can't get enough of my rambling, I invite you to also check out my blog post that was posted on the Central Berkshire Habitat page. Onward to more adventures!

Listening: "The Last Day" by Moby

D.C. Dreams

What could be better than spending a week in the nation's capital brimming with lady power, both professional and collegiate? 

Not much, I think. Right after graduation, frenzied packing ensued and then my parents drove me to the airport in Syracuse to fly to D.C. I was selected to participate in a conference concerning Women & Policy in the Global Community through PLEN, the Public Leadership Education Network. 

The amazing staff at PLEN filled the week with panelists, site visits, and events with networking possibilities throughout the city. It was amusing to re-orient myself to public transportation, but D.C. seems to have one of the cleanest metro systems, though not the most efficient. Certain days it was quicker and more pleasant to walk to our locations. We listened to women who are humanitarians, lobbyists, lawyers, politicians, diplomats, senior advisers, economists, think tank researchers, and the mind-blowing resume continues. More than anything, it was such a pleasure to meet women who are interested in amplifying the role and influence that women have in policy. We also visited the Capitol building, the State Department, the Embassy of India, the U.S. Council on Foreign Relations, and the German Marshall Fund. Every day was finished around 5 PM, which left plenty of time to digest the impressive advice and explore the city.

I visited D.C. for the first time my freshman year for a climate change rally, but the weekend was too busy to enjoy D.C.'s free cultural sites. We made it to the National Mall at sunset, and what do I find but a game of pick-up ultimate frisbee! So of course I hustle over, befriend the players on the sideline, and wholeheartedly accept their suggestion to take off my sandals and play. That's why I love the ultimate community: their open friendliness to share the game with anyone. Did you know that Lonely Planet even ranked playing ultimate frisbee on the National Mall one of the top 10 things to do in the United States?! Thank you, Asana and Elizabeth, for accepting my crazed enthusiasm for this sport and snapping some photos. 

Scoring an ultimate frisbee point on the National Mall at sunset. Is there anything more patriotic (haha)?

The World War II and Lincoln Memorials at dusk.

Our room at the Carlyle Suites Hotel had a kitchen, a lovely budoir and bathroom, two queen-sized beds, and was only a few blocks from DuPont Circle, one of the liveliest districts of the city. Check out my Tripadvisor review!

We spent too much money at Whole Foods and hustled back frequently during the lunch breaks to cook.

Many commuters use the public bike sharing system, so we decided to as well. It was such a great ride from DuPont to Georgetown and along the Potomac.

View of Arlington.

Lafayette Square, near the White House.

The Eisenhower Executive castle Office Building. I was strolling around trying to get a good picture, was yelled at when I stepped on the lawn (just trying to gain a better photo angle!), and then it dawned on me that security was pretty heavy. I think I saw the President land via helicopter, and then definitely witness his motorcade gunning down New Hampshire Avenue! Quite the spectacle, but I bet it's old after the first time when you live there.

The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History was such a spectacle, even with the crazed groups of students.

Views of the Regan International Airport.

D.C. was a much-needed limbo from the shock of finishing college. I'm home now, attempting to convey my ever-evolving career ambitions on paper as I apply for jobs. Cheers to St. Lawrence for sponsoring me and my two classmates to participate in this incredible program. One day, I want to will be one of the panelists advising and inspiring the rising generation of women!

Listening: "Hard Time" by Seinabo Sey

The Body Pride Project

I love my lips. I was born in China with a cleft lip, then adopted at two months old by my current U.S. parents. Because of them, I underwent plastic surgery as an infant then again at age seven to reform my upper lip. Some children aren’t as lucky, because cleft lips and palates can severely impair your quality of life. When I was younger, other kids would ask me, “What’s wrong with your lips?” These comments hurt but I realized that the scars simply reinforce the luck, stories and love that guide my life. This is my body, and I am more than just my appearance, but beautiful for my imperfections. This is the meaning of St. Lawrence’s Body Pride Project.

In February, we turned a Student Center room into a photo studio for the project. Beyoncé music bumped in the background. So many women, some friends and others I’ve never seen before, laughed, watched and cheered. Each of us took turns striking a pose in front of the white board while my friend, Raina Puels ’16, snapped away on her camera. Some ladies flexed their arms, sat on a table, whipped their hair, or revealed scars, birth marks and tattoos. We all highlighted what we loved about ourselves and tried to express in a single quote why.

My friend, Chelsea Draper ’15, who lives in The Women’s Resource Center theme house, (better known on campus as The Dub), led the campaign. Chelsea was inspired by body-image campaigns such as Dove and Seventeen magazine’s Body Peace Project. She wanted to create the Body Pride Project for St. Lawrence because, as she put it, “college can be a bed of judgments.” “We’re so quick to look in the mirror and find what we don’t like about ourselves, so this is about boosting your own esteem, while encouraging others to do the same.”

Last spring was the preliminary trial for the project, and though feedback was enthusiastic, this year we received even more support. There were over 80 volunteer participants, with three photography sessions across two weeks. The result was 76 portraits of St. Lawrence women expressing their pride for who they are. Whether ladies featured something about their bodies that they’ve loved forever, reminded them of family, or an insecurity they’ve battled with, those few minutes in front of a camera were inspiring.

Raina, the vivacious lady behind the lens, was honored to be part of the Body Pride Project: “Some participants emailed me afterwards told me how empowered they felt. It’s incredible what having your photo taken can make you feel.”

The Body Pride Project is also a collaboration with Body Beautiful Week/Love Your Body Week and the Advocate’s Program “Campus Peace Project” from last spring. Those portraits featured male students and their thoughts on granting sexual consent. As the project—or perhaps the movement—gains traction and reaches more eyes, Chelsea thinks that it could possibly expand to other campuses and become an ongoing project.

I couldn’t agree more with Chelsea’s hopes that the Body Pride Project “keeps the positivity going all year and the good vibes from the photo shoot.”

I hope you’ve caught a glimpse of the Body Pride Project posted around campus! If you missed it, all 76 photographs can also be found in the Body Pride Project album of the Women’s Resource Center Facebook page.

This post was originally written for St. Lawrence's Admissions Blog.

Currently: catching up on everyone's spring breaks-- post to come soon!

La economía Feminista

One of my classes this semester is an advanced speaking course for Spanish. I'm hoping that we have more conversation-based work so I can improve my colloquial speaking, but this past week I had to present a political discourse as if we were a political candidate. I was unsure of my ability to maintain a formal dialogue on politics in Spanish, let alone English! So, I re-interpreted the assignment a bit and presented on the value of adding a feminist perspective to our economy.  The grammar is far from perfect and I recognize that many of my ideas aren't fully developed, but I was pleased with my 12 minute talk, even swaying some of my classmates onto these views!

Os presento mi político discurso sobre la economía feminista:

Introducción

Hola amigos, me llamo Nicole.  No soy una representante de un partido político especial, pero voy a presentar unas soluciones alternativas para los Estados Unidos.  Me gustaría explicar cómo abordar la política con una perspectiva feminista puede abrir unas posibilidades para la economía.  O sea, la economía feminista puede renovar nuestra estrategia fiscal para soluciones efectivos.  Voy a hablar sobre el significado del feminismo, pues los problemas finánciales del presente, y finalmente explicaros como la economía feminista podría producir soluciones. 

El significado del feminismo

Primero, es esencial explicar el significado del feminismo como yo lo interpreto.  La definición y la misión del feminismo han cambiado a través de los siglos veinte y veinte y uno en tres movimientos.  Creo que existen muchas malentiendas y estereotipos, por ejemplo, ser una feminista indica el oído para los hombres.  Para mí, no es el caso; al contrario, me los gustan!  Es verdad hay feministas con perspectivas y tácticas radicales, pero vienen de un origen de frustración—el dolor de siglos de injustos y abusos, muchos que continúan hoy en día. 

No estoy aquí para aumentar la polarización entre nuestras diferencias.  Porque ahora, el feminismo no es solo para las mujeres blancas; las fundadores del segundo movimiento d feminismo como bell hooks revelé como sistemas de patriarca daña los hombres también.  El movimiento es para la igualdad y los derechos humanos.  Como una teoría cultura, el feminismo nos permite tener cuenta de nuestra posición en la sociedad: las intersecciones de raíz, clase, género, los privilegios, y el poder de cada posición.  Cuando nos ponemos en la posición de los demás, podemos hacer decisiones más informados e incluidos.

Problemas

Voy a focalizar sobre dos problemas economías en nuestro país.  Según Time Magazine, en dos mil doce, la deuda del gobierno cuenta por  73 por ciento del producto interior bruto.[1]  Es decir que dieciséis trillones dólares de deuda.  Y los impuestos cuentan por más o menos diez por ciento de eso.

El segundo problema es la desigualdad socioeconómica.  Las ganas de las empresas son el más alto, hay millones de americanos aun sin empleado, y  es más difícil  cambiar su clase social.  También incluido la brecha salarial de género en los Estados Unidos.  Reciamente, el presidente de los Estados Unidos notó que las mujeres son una mitad de la fuerza laboral.  Sin embargo, ellas aún ganan setenta y siete centavos por cada dólar que los hombres ganan.[2]  Según una encuesta del New York Times en dos mil diez, 72 por ciento de los hombres y de las mujeres entre 18 y 29 anos piensan que la unión mejor es una donde los dos pueden trabajar y cuidarse para la casa.[3]  La encuesta afirma que hoy en día, la lucha para la igualdad no es  principalmente las actitudes personales, pero las límites estructurales.

Economía Feminista

Creo que la economía necesita una perspectiva alternativa.  El problema con nuestra definición de economía es trátalo como una ciencia objetiva.  Aunque “el mercado” es un sistema de números digitales y financias hipotéticos, en realidad, es baso en la gente.  A la fin de los anos noventas, académicos como Ester Boserup, Marianne Ferber, y Nancy Folbre han establecido la economía feminista como un estudio oficial.  La economía feminista rechaza abstracción de la economía porque la gente tiene emociones, motivaciones, y conexiones.   Las economistas señalan las construcciones sociales en la economía tradicional porque los perspectivos no son realmente objetivos—están en favor de los métodos masculinos.  Según Julie Matthaei, la desigualdad de género y de raíz existen antes del capitalismo.  Por eso, cada aspecto de la economía hoy en día está prejuiciado.[4] 

Por ejemplo, la brecha salarial no es simplemente a causa de las preferencias laborales de las mujeres y los hombres.  Hay consecuencias cruciales del estereotipo, el sexismo,  y las creencias patriarcas que dirigen la distribución de recursos.  El poder de los actores determina un salario: sus conocimientos culturales, sus determinaciones del valor de obra, y las normalidades de género.  

Entonces, la economía feminista enfatiza los asuntos tradicionalmente femeninos, como la economía familia, la economía informal, y los estructurales sociales.  La inclusión de estos asuntos han creído los políticos que ya ayudan unas minorías y han reducidos discriminación de género, raíz, y étnico.

Soluciones

Me gustaría desarrollar unas soluciones para ayudar la economía.  Debemos evaluar el dólar de acuerdo a la inflación y como resultado, podríamos aumentar el salario mínimo.  Según el Business Insider, los salarios mínimos han cambiado casi nada en treinta anos.[5] ¿Cómo es que una madre soltera puede trabajar al menos dos trabajos de tiempo completo,  pero todavía vive debajo de la línea de pobreza?  No es justo.  Cuando los salarios suben, el nivel de vida y la agencia de los grupos minorías suben.

Igualmente, para resolver la brecha salarial, necesitamos cambiar  el sistema de impuestos para ser más progresivo.  Es decir que, los más ricos contribuyen proporcionalmente a los programas federales y los servicios sociales. 

Con respecto a la deuda, debemos eliminar las razones para las empresas buscar los obreros al extranjero.  Los incentivos mantener unos prácticos de explotación y simplemente, hay millones de personas que están cualificados aquí.  Podemos renovar las empresas de la manufactura que pagan un salario vivible y creen materiales útiles.

Finalmente, tenemos que apoyar la política laboral que valuar la humanidad en los obreros, no solo sus productos.  Vacaciones pagas por las madres Y los padres, días enfermas pagadas, y quizás un límite de horas de trabajo podrían apoyar un ambiente mejor para la gente.  Aunque no tiene un esposo, o no tiene hijos, la vida doméstica afecta la vida laboral.

Conclusión

A pesar de un población de tres ciento millones, los Estados Unidos se dirigen por solamente dos partidos políticos en la mayoría, y por lo tanto, yo sé que mis ideas parecen radicales.  No obstante, debemos reflejar más sobre el político que existe y porque no hay progreso tan rápido.  Tenemos que abordar los problemas de la sociedad con una nueva perspectiva.

En resumen, os hablo con la esperanza que considerarais la perspectiva feminista para la economía.  Necesitamos priorizar las necesidades humanos en vez de las metas beneficios—no solo en los Estados Unidos, pero por todo el mundo.  La explotación y la desigualdad que acompañan al capitalismo no son la meta teleológico para los humanos.  ¡Gracias!

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Vocabulario útil

abordar – to approach

la política – political policy

la economia feminista – feminist economics

dañar – to harm

la igualdad de género – gender equality

la brecha salarial – wage gap

producto interior bruto (PIB) – gross domestic product (GDP)

las metas beneficios – profit goals

teleológico – telelogical; the natural endpoint

Bibliografía

Cootnz, Stephanie. “Why gender equality stalled.” 16 Feb 2013. Web. 3 Feb. 2014. <

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/17/opinion/sunday/why-gender-equality-stalled.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1&>.

Blodget, Henry. "Here's the biggest problem in the American economy." Business Insider. 29 Sept

2012. Web. 3 Feb. 2014. .

NPR. “Transcript: Obama’s State Of The Union Address As Prepared for Delivery.” 28 Jan 2014. Web.

                3 Feb. 2014. <http://www.npr.org/blogs/itsallpolitics/2014/01/28/267901424/transcript

-obamas-state-of-the-union-address-as-prepared-for-delivery>.

Schneider, Geoff. "Ten Principles of Feminist Economics: A Modestly Proposed

Antidote." Department of Economics at Bucknell University. Bucknell University. Web. 3 Feb 2014. .

Sivy, Michael. "The six daunting financial problems facing America." Time Magazine. 21 Aug

2012. Web. 3 Feb. 2014. .

Waylen, Georgina. "Time to stop ignoring feminist economics." Conversation. 2 Dec 2013. Web. 3

Feb. 2014. .

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[1] Blodget 2012.

[2] NPR 2014.

[3] Coontz 2013.

[4] Schneider 2014.

[5] Blodget 2012. 

Bravery and Breaking Silence

I haven't been that great with updating because I'm caught up in the precarious balancing act of school work, organization commitments, feeding myself, and socializing, but I wanted to share a few things as October comes to a close.

It's Purple Week here at school, sponsored by the Women's Resource Center and the Advocates club.  Although it was initially for women against domestic, relationship, and sexual violence, it really encompasses awareness against all forms of violence.  On Tuesday, they had their annual event of Take Back the Night, which was established in 1999 as a vigil and protest against sexual violence.  It's for people to reclaim the space they may have lost-- both physical and metaphorical-- and be unafraid in the world.  I deeply regretted not making time to attend last year's TBN, so as soon as my good friend Kat asked me if I was interested in speaking, I committed.  I didn't quite know what I was going to be reading until the end of Tuesday morning, but I resurrected many thoughts that have stirred through my heart, mind, and being.  It's not necessarily a story, but an open letter; to myself, to you, to them, and to everyone.  And please bear in mind that it draws from twenty (nearly twenty-one!) years of observation, but is not entirely applicable to my life as I have known it (i.e., I've incorporated the experiences of others).

//////////// \\\\\\\\\\\\

For Take Back the Night, 2013

            You are beautiful. 

You are strong. 

You are intelligent. 

And the things that you do matter.

This is what I tell myself when I feel like the world doesn’t want me.  The first time I said this phrase aloud, facing a mirror, I nearly choked.  I couldn’t admit to myself that I was worth appreciation.  That I was worth loving.

I’ve never had a significant other.  My psychological and emotional and physical closeness has never been shared at once with another.  So for many years, and sometimes even now, I hate myself for not understanding love.

And yet, it goes beyond my lack of personal experience, the seemingly pointless wallowing.  Because desire, lust, passion, greed, obsession, possession—these are realities I have witnessed, at times, under the guise of love.  Of acceptability.

It’s not only about when the sun goes down.  The violence is subtle, and it’s insistent; language, media, behavior, songs, expectations, and movement.  If we recognize it, we should do what we can to end it.

But the violence can also be in your memoires, and it’s not always easy to interpret.  When you witness someone hurting another, as a child, what do you do with that pain? 

I saw her hit her.  She hit him.          He consumed him, he didn’t understand, he touched me, she touched her, he hurt her, he asked and she still hurt, they hurt her, they didn’t listen, and still, and still—

she internalized all of it.

[There are days that I feel like I’m carrying the weight of one thousand and one women.  We are each threads in Shehrezad’s story, woven delicately and intersecting, fragile but surviving through this connection.  It is a narrative of illusion, whether the assurance that we’re safe, or the relief of finality.  It’s never truly over.] 

But I don’t think it’s about being against one another, pitting men against women; but for a common space, together.  Without fear.

I stand here, on my stage.  My literal stage, my metaphorical stage.  I watch, but I don’t always know how to act, how to respond.  I’m doing this for me; for them; for all of you.  I am a watcher, a listener, and now—I am a speaker.

We all carry our pain differently.  I carry my pain, and I will carry yours too, if you want me to.  Maybe I won’t absolutely understand, but I will do this for you.  You are not defined by your pain.

You are beautiful, you are strong, you are intelligent, YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING,

And the things that you do, matter.

//////////// \\\\\\\\\\\\

So that was emancipating, in every sense.  Mind you, I was the third of four speakers, and although I wasn't directly sharing a story of assault, I was shaking.  My head was buzzing with the words of those before me and the eyes of everyone in the room.  It was the largest attendance of TBN, perhaps at least fifty people, with many faces I wasn't expecting and the familiar ones that would have been comforted if I wasn't already blinded by my own nervous.  The passage in the brackets?  Yeah, that was my favorite section that I wrote, but I accidentally skipped over it--that's what I get for not rehearsing..

At any rate, I read these scribbles off a red sheet of construction paper, wearing red lipstick.  I think I had the support of everyone and there were people that approached me afterwards in thanks.  I meant every word, I told them.

On another note, one of my classmates, intelligent, and deeply compassionate friends, Tommy, was published on salon.com a few weeks ago for a piece that he wrote on sexuality and trans-gender attraction.  He first wrote it for The Weave, the brainchild of my brilliant professor Dr. John Collins, where students blog on under reported news issues, but then salon.com picked it up and it's circulated to thousands ever since! Take a look at it here: http://weavenews.org/blogs/thomas-matt/10476/defeating-shame-my-story-trans-attraction  // And here: http://www.salon.com/2013/10/22/im_attracted_to_trans_women/

Here's to bravery, breaking the silence, and looking like an outrageous fool for Halloween (the final year it will be excusable to conceptualize three outfits).

除了空气以外，我的生活很好

I'm a bit disappointed in myself today. I was absolutely planning on going to Ritan/Temple of Sun Park this afternoon when I left work, because it's less than two blocks from the apartment I've been living in. But then after jostling between dozens of people on metro, sliding through interchanges in sandals that have walked too many miles, sweating incessantly, finally making it to the 21st floor of the building feeling tired and slightly hungry-- and then I checked the U.S. Embassy's most recent AQI, air quality index, update.  不好！It was in the red Unhealthy zone for PM 2.5, those small particles that can do some serious damage.  Here, check it out yourself :  http://aqicn.org/city/beijing/

Maybe it's better at this point, but I don't know, that was enough of a deterrent not to leave the apartment.  That, and when you can't see more than a few dozen meters, sort of ruins the enjoyment of park-going.  I might be over dramatizing (wouldn't be surprised), but the air pollution makes my eyes water and if I keep the conditioner on or the windows open, I end up hacking and blowing out dust from my body the next morning.  I have to figure out some way to cope with this, less I scare myself out of a decent quality of life this summer because I know Beijing has so much to offer.  Gah!  Anyone have any advice?

In other updates, Mary and I went our separate ways on Sunday because she's back at school.  I've been couch-surfing off the amazing generosity of my friend Anna this week.  Her apartment is also only three metro stops from my internship, in a building development located behind a sterility hospital.  Keep making that One-Child Policy easy for everyone to follow, China!

It's a small, simple flat, and despite the concrete floors Anna's made it charming with plants, mix-matched upholstery, and her elegant aesthetic.  And best of all, there is a usable kitchen!  So of course after settling in, I took the five minute walk to the grocery store and it was honestly like therapy.  My parents know best that letting me loose in Wegmans (a western New York grocery store sort of like Whole Foods except less expensive) with a credit card is more dangerous than me in a mall (though both are arguably a poor idea :D).  I had 'budget' on the mind as well, and after much consideration in every aisle, I was able to purchase a week's worth of breakfast and dinner groceries for less than 30 RMB, or 6 U.S. dollars.  Can you believe that overflowing bag of onions was 2 RMB/35 cents?!  If there's one thing I'll always appreciate about China, it is their value of food and the price affordability.  

So after not cooking a meal for myself since February, I fired up the wok and made a huge vegetable stir-fry with eggs.  Everything was right in the world.

Beijing, like every Chinese city, is in a constant state of destruction, construction, and rebirth.

My internship with The China Foundation Center (CFC) is going well.  I am still not quite used to a 8:30-5:30 all-week desk job, but it's a really great taste of a possible future. The organization was established in 2010 by leading Chinese philanthropic leaders in an effort to bring more transparency to China's growing social sector.  Organized philanthropy is not yet integral to the public psyche, largely due to the social disruption from the market transition.  In light of so much corruption and suspicion of money being mishandled, many people don't trust non-government groups.  CFC produces annual publications on non-profit organization trends, and have China's most comprehensive searchable data base of non-profits' missions, locations, management teams, financial reports if available, and so on.  By promoting the accessibility of this type of knowledge, hopefully the government, public, corporations, grant advisers, etc. will gain understanding and trust in the social sector.  I'm also learning much about the U.S. social sector (IRS tax forms, anyone?) because China is turning to our well-established tradition of philanthropy as a model.

Looking up, that's the building I work in (on the second floor though).  

The view out the floor of The China Foundation Center offices.  Not bad when there isn't smog, or when other employees (from different companies) aren't smoking next to the window.

In an effort to save money, I really have been eating the same dinner all week.  However, during lunch break, I go out with the other ladies and 'splurge'.  I really enjoy lunch time because our office is fairly quiet, so I try to practice my Chinese (which is in danger of being lost!) and learn about their lives.  I love all the new foods I've been able to eat; there are so many restaurants on our street that I never would have known about, largely because I can't read the menus.  We've managed to go to a different location every lunch this week!

Tomorrow I'm hopping to another apartment of one of my friends from ultimate frisbee, that I met when I played at a Ningbo tournament back in April.  It's quite lovely how a casual obsession with this off-beat sport has lead to so many connections with great people and unique perspectives of China.  I went to the Beijing team's pick-up practice Wednesday night, and that was cathartic to be sprinting around again.  Here's to hoping my lungs hold it together!

Listening: Chopin #13 In C Minor